Today

If it was any other day l would have been agitated, broke a nail or even stormed off the walls of my mind but not today, today l am a product of life’s experiences. l am a woman aware of the force in the world of things that one can’t control and of things that one can change. I have been put in the middle of a blazing fire, roasted and scotched just like gold, l am now refined. The wise once said “if you want to be  Gold, be prepared to be cut and burned. Refinery is a bittersweet process”

The things in life that we cannot change teaches us so much more about ourselves than we realise. We rarely notice the good that comes out of us through those tormenting moments when you have a battle raging inside of yourself and you barely can maintain to keep the breath going in and out of your body. Take a moment and think of a time in your life when you were pressed to the wall with nothing to do to change the situation, what resolution were you left to? Acceptance, You had to look deep into yourself and accept that you are powerless to what now is your present circumstance, then you had to also tolerate everything that came with it and that is not an easy thing.

Patience is the mother of all virtues. Patience not just on other people and things but also patience on yourself because life has these laws that can’t be changed, laws to make you wait , to test your heart and see how far your mind can stretch. Through it all you must maintain composure and keep all of you levelled up.  The more you resist to look into yourself and find patience, the more things happen to you to force it out of you and most of those things come with pain. Pain is not all bad, it is an opportunity to grow and see the greater side of you.

If it was any other day l would have broken down and cried my eyes out. But today l sat down had a cup of tea, stroke a conversation with myself. I saw how amazingly clever the past is, the past comes to only cripple you and rob you of a beautiful moment if you get manipulated by its stroll , however it can also serve you well depending on how you use it. It will remind you of your failures so that you may take your eyes of what you have now become which is a conqueror, a hero to yourself, an achiever and a beautiful rock of greatness. So l took a sip of tea and relaxed a bit and understood that every day of our lives we must forgive ourselves constantly because we turn to be too hard on ourselves. I looked at the past with a bit more smile because the woman am sitting with is only here because yesterday existed and that is a worthy cause of the past. Forgiveness not only freed me from my own mistakes but it delivered to my eyes lessons and allowed me to freely open myself again to what today and tomorrow will bring.

I shed off the skin of many years,

Stood beside chains of memories,

Sat with a goddess l admired,

My heart awakened to the wisdom of her calmness,

Something about the glow of her soul.

Then finally l understood it all.

If it was any other day, but today it was not that day,

Today l am the product of my experiences.

Self Acceptance

Imagine how many years have passed by, you have lived with yourself but you have never really met the real you. Isn't that notion scary?  but in all honesty most of us know it's true. We get to a point we cannot have a single conversation with ourselves because we believe the world will call us insane. Self Acceptance is the beginning of greater love and self wisdom.

Imagine walking past your fears, wounds, pain to someone real, understanding,  eager to learn, forgiving and to someone full of possibilities.  she had been just a little girl attending a school in which her mother was a teacher, for every good thing she achieved from passing with excellent marks to winning school awards word on the street was always " it's because her mother is a teacher", it was never about the fact that she really actually did good, she deserved it and she used to feel bad like she could attend another school where no one knew who her mother was until one day she snapped and simply did not care anymore about what people thought because she learned to love herself more and with that came accepting who she was, where she came from and what her mother did. That little girl was me. Until you take accountability of your circumstances and accept your situations you can never change anything or go anywhere where greatness and better life exists. When you change, the world begin to adjust itself to your changes and makes it comfortable for you to live because you are no longer fighting what you are.

Self acceptance is being brave enough to sit in silence with your weakness and figure it all out and drag it from darkness to light so it becomes your strength. It must be hard to live life under the shadows of someone else. Life requires each one of us to be bold. No road has ever been easy but it always begins with acceptance. A wise man once said you can never be able to lead the world if you have not mastered being the leader of Self, awaken the inner leader inside.

With every imperfection l found in me
So did perfection show up with a glow.
I owned up to my scars so they could never own me.
A trading that brought my fire to burn.
I broke the chains and unplugged my excellence and gracefully stood there.
Tears blazed my skin,
Fear shook my veins
Because l no longer had nothing holding me back.
Awaken in self acceptance love walked me back to who l am.

Those words l yearn to hear

I yearn to hear the words that l know can hurt and heal me both ..
I yearn to hear the tenderness of its sound as it leaves the edge of your lips.
Its the comfort l seek to find most in the universe. That it be said with so much truth and reality in it.

Those words have broken my world before. I fear and honour it though cause for thousand times l have forgiven them.
Those words every time they are said l understand a puzzle of my life that had been anciently buried, yet again it is the exact words that reminds me of a cemetry am walking on.

Say them as much as l need to hear them but please mean them cause only then will they move my bones to life.
Blow in me a force of dreams,
Passion lived through pulses.

I remember how l have countless times felt this exact emotion , my heart fleeting away under my rib cage. He always the perfect image that turns everything colourful. To the look on his eyes to how he places his hands on the table. Everything he did made perfect sense, in a weird way l always felt we were in the same page but yet love was always made to make a woman blind cause as much as we were in the same page it was never the same side probably l was even far off to getting there and he was always a faceless man.

I am the one who always fall when people are walking straight head on. When they spin lies like their last breath, I push loyalty like if l didn't the sun won't rise. How l always get left behind in thinking all meant more than they did and how tears fail me and refuse to come out when l totally want to break apart in the presence of a moment that deserves an Oscar Award.

Its how l got to see that beauty can be a curse because for somewhat reason deep down l had wished you could see my soul before you see my curves, before you desire to touch my nipples you could ask me what l thought about the universe this day to how being in between my thighs,  sweat exchanging could not be the one main objective on your list. I , wiling agree to me losing my mind in your objective but the motive were never the same cause mine left scars. Scars l will always see each time l pass through this passage. I don't blame any individual for taking the plunge afterall if the ocean is inviting why not.

Every time l had my hopes high to be confronted by the same hopes on the way down. To have to ask myself if l was dreaming,  to staring at blank walls. I understand it too well how these words said can break a cup of tea even while muted. The words "l love you" are the greatest destroyers yet amazing constructors of all times. Next time you say them understand just the depth of how far into someone's life you are trading.

Fierce as a tiger.

If you are  a woman that has laid herself out as a doormat for a man, that's  what you will be forever. Most man see woman as temporary parking spot only there to stay for some time and leave. Love yourself so much that you refuse to be degraded to a level that insults your worth as a woman. Most woman be out here staying with a man that continuously cheats and she says "who else isn't cheating, if l leave him do l seriously think there is a better man out here who doesn't cheat " mind you those words coming from just a girlfriend. Women don't ever try to take in the roles of a wife while you are still a girlfriend. Who in the world told you that you must just sincerely accept that your man cheats, be okay with it and think one day he will stop and be faithful with you? You are slowly digging your own grave for he will give you a disease that will end your life. Are we afraid so much of being alone? If a man has cheated before, won't it be just as easy for him to cheat again? The mere fact that he could lie calmly in the arms of another woman, have all that pleasure and still come back the next day to face you and say he loves you , doesn't that raise up the alarm that maybe this man does not know what he wants in his life, maybe you are not everything that he needs hence he feels the need to go out and get that from another?

It always seem like a fairy tale you are lost in when you tell another woman that in the absence of a wrong man, you will feel the presence of a right one approaching. He will be  unrecognizable cause we often have our eyes on the bad ones. I have noticed that the kind of a man you attract in your life is pressed entirely on how you see yourself. You will have  the man you deserve when you treat yourself the way you deserve. To be able to raise your finger and say this is way below me does not mean you are too independent it just shows you know that life is too short to be anything but a goddess. Yes sometimes you stay with someone because you see the capabilities of a man he can be, because he is a dreamer, but what's the use of a dreamer that never gets anything done, all he do is dream, dream and dream some more.

I have been accused of being too stubborn, too choosy but what can l say than let them think that? I am just that girl who will not step off her stilletoes unless I am convinced the stretch would be worth it. Young girls still go around and get aroused by a mere compliment but a woman appreciates respect and being honoured and that merely has nothing to do with money. Would l be much of a control freak if l say a good woman must be so involved in her man's life and a man be so involved in her woman's life that it leaves no vacancy and time for anyone else of an opposite sex to occupy? Yes l can be a freak any day of the week but as for every second of the day I am as fierce a tiger.

It is good for anyone to have standards and only compromise them if the other party is meeting you half way. Let's stop giving away our happiness to someone who barely recognize the sacrifices. I don't want to be out staged on my own centre stage.

"The rare that makes our world complete, we only notice that they not there when our eyes feel the thirst of a perfect picture."

Self Preservation

One thing l know for a certain is that without doubt, l am a precious Cargo being shipped between Oceans. Yes the waves come in different sizes, the weather move from better to worse in seconds yet l stand floating firm across the unknown horizons.

We should never rely on  second chances to do things right. At times the only time you have is that only time. I cannot apologise for being happy and aiming to keep myself happy. I am unapologetic about million dreams l have daily, the goals l challenge myself against and the falls that come with it all. I have loved many so dearly and most never deserved it but Lord knows they needed it and now its time to love me unconditionally with no strings attached. For l understand the depth of love l need for myself,  l take full responsibility in loving myself and not expecting another to fill in the space that was never meant for another , that's why it is so hard to find someone who will love you in the exact range you need cause that's not their  responsibility.

I have lived to make a change to lives while l left mine unattended and l no longer want to be a passanger shaproning others to their destinies. The unconditional giving l don't give out of pity, l give because l know the life l have imparted in them will be the strength to the next individual that will own my gift. Weather you will understand the power in them will not make them cease to be powerful.

I have shared with many the fruits of faith, mostly its the seeds l had given them and they never realised. For years they ridiculed my faith in their lives yet l hope they forget me one day and remember God most. I have dealt my card, had my turn and no longer can answer to the past weather good or bad. I forgive the past and allow it to remain where it is as it serves no purpose where l am now. Even the mysteries that caused havoc and pushed me over mountain cliffs with their temptations, the zillion question marks that still come back haunting me, l also refuse to be the victim and culprit of their seduction. My time no longer allows for worries unless revelations knock on the truth carpet and its fate l can't deny.

I deserve the best cause l am the best. Its not my ego talking but the pride l find in a breath such as mine. Its the joy l celebrate for me, by myself. Its the boundaries l never had for myself that now am glad l never made because this very same reflection would have been unrealistic with their existance. To say so much about self love is not selfish but self preservation. 

Self love is the beginning of true love and the discovery of real happiness.