Self Preservation

One thing l know for a certain is that without doubt, l am a precious Cargo being shipped between Oceans. Yes the waves come in different sizes, the weather move from better to worse in seconds yet l stand floating firm across the unknown horizons.

We should never rely on  second chances to do things right. At times the only time you have is that only time. I cannot apologise for being happy and aiming to keep myself happy. I am unapologetic about million dreams l have daily, the goals l challenge myself against and the falls that come with it all. I have loved many so dearly and most never deserved it but Lord knows they needed it and now its time to love me unconditionally with no strings attached. For l understand the depth of love l need for myself,  l take full responsibility in loving myself and not expecting another to fill in the space that was never meant for another , that's why it is so hard to find someone who will love you in the exact range you need cause that's not their  responsibility.

I have lived to make a change to lives while l left mine unattended and l no longer want to be a passanger shaproning others to their destinies. The unconditional giving l don't give out of pity, l give because l know the life l have imparted in them will be the strength to the next individual that will own my gift. Weather you will understand the power in them will not make them cease to be powerful.

I have shared with many the fruits of faith, mostly its the seeds l had given them and they never realised. For years they ridiculed my faith in their lives yet l hope they forget me one day and remember God most. I have dealt my card, had my turn and no longer can answer to the past weather good or bad. I forgive the past and allow it to remain where it is as it serves no purpose where l am now. Even the mysteries that caused havoc and pushed me over mountain cliffs with their temptations, the zillion question marks that still come back haunting me, l also refuse to be the victim and culprit of their seduction. My time no longer allows for worries unless revelations knock on the truth carpet and its fate l can't deny.

I deserve the best cause l am the best. Its not my ego talking but the pride l find in a breath such as mine. Its the joy l celebrate for me, by myself. Its the boundaries l never had for myself that now am glad l never made because this very same reflection would have been unrealistic with their existance. To say so much about self love is not selfish but self preservation. 

Self love is the beginning of true love and the discovery of real happiness.

Life goes On

You dismissed me like a king would to a slave,

Yet l made you the king.

I stood by you even when the world

Could not understand my ways.

Yet you walked right out of my palms the first chance you got.

I wondered if I had been too much of a fool

To fool myself into believing you believed in me too.

I sit watching the walls,

Scribbling invisible writings because am afraid

They might hurt someone if visible.

I care too much what you think,

I think that's my problem.

I respect much the worth you are if

Only you could figure it out too.

I waltzed through storms with you,

Eyes to eyes, fingers to open spaces between another strangers hand

Yet today the very same hand has grown cold.

When the sun came out so did your arrogance.

As l stand opposite a stranger l thought l knew,

I understand the depth of the knife l had stabbed myself with.

It's not you l must forgive but myself.

The times you felt you stood no chance in the world,

I shared the key to my world with you,

Now you changed the locks and locked me outside.

As l watch the stranger l used to know walk away

I know you were never meant to stay,

You always had your heart to the road.

I took a deep breath, exhaled all my expectations.

In the world l never thought l will find a space in

I fitted in perfectly with the rest that believes 

Life goes on.

Microscope glass

I was hoping l wouldn't have to write about this but oh well l am already here so l might as well.

They tell you "to make it anywhere you need good contacts,  you need to know people on the high that can pull strings for you" , which is true but what they leave out is the fact that there is always a price to pay. Might not be immediately but at one point in your life you will pay it back. We get discouraged to go forth because you feel if l know no one In this place l won't get the job but you need to ask yourself does the success of your dreams depend on knowing someone or you becoming someone known. Everyone is faceless until they take a mirror and hand it to everyone so they can see who they are. You tell people who you are or you will remain faceless. At first to stand up and represent yourself can be wrapped in humiliation but at the end of that moment someone will remember and recognise you.

Have you ever saw someone as your inspiration then get to spend time with that person and actually not understand why in the world you saw them as your fountain of motivation or even worse have that person push you aside and act like you are invisible? Nobody is perfect and that is pretty clear since well you yourself have your bucket of sin, but sometimes charity doesn't begin at home for some people,  infact they never come across it. Be your own encouragement pump station, from time to time you may look for ingredients to add into your own recipe of success but don't depend entirely on something besides yourself. You are entirely  a complete source of hope if only you never allow fear to creep in.

To ask for assistant from someone in high position , actually the key person in decision making processes of your dream work place or even someone who is part of that team can be really tricky. You know why? That person sees your hunger, understand your thirst and from a distance smells the burning passion in you to be beyond and they almost know for a certain you might make them disappear into the background and for that same reason that person will not give you any help even if they could. What perseverance has said to me is that "you can take the horse to the river but you can't force it to drink. However,  with some patience it will eventually be thirsty and drink". A spineless body fall to the ground with the first shake of the earth but one with a backbone stands their ground a little more.

Imagine how many times you have walked away from something you really wanted,  which could have possibly been yours if only you had the patience.  We always give up too soon before the actual end of the rope. Another thing l have quite got to understand is that sometimes you must act crazy to be heard because when you are too polite people don't take you seriously. It takes a lot to make a point and when you do, make sure its worth it. In this lifetime attention is very expensive.

We must trust ourselves a little more. We might not have everything sorted out but if we have the first step, its enough to risk taking another because only once the bird has left its nest is it able to see the bigger world beside the view from its nest and sometimes its not that scary to be out there on your own finding more of what  you knew nothing of. The thing about realising that you can do more out of yourself,  its impossible to sit and not be more.

We are accountable for the talents and dreams we have. If life doesn't suck itself out of your body, all that you are capable off sucks life out of you if not used and set free to live its own destiny. You see, either way you are ordained for greatness with harsh measures if needs be but you can't be alive and not be something.

That is my point!

Dreams

Dreams that dared me
To live life unspoken.
Blazing faith with kings
And flying planes with angels.

Dreams that cursed me to believe.
I have walked milestones,
Turned stones into honey.
Dreams that spoke in volumes.

Nevertheless, caressed my inner
Desires to live in mountains.
In the depth of oceans
My name had been encrypted
On a silver platter of a golden rock.

Dreams that held my coming and going.
The loaded gun of my conscious self,
Subconsciously l resemble a weapon of mass destruction.

Dreams that breath through my nostrils,
My veins no stranger to their parading.
In the awakening hour
The little girl that spoke to  stars
Through an open curtain
Speaks to dreams buried.
Awake, awake faith knows no sleep.

The light alight in the dark,
Trespassed through souls.
Dreams that asked no questions
Yet held all answers.
Leaped through holes
And built bridges.

Dreams that dared me
The possibles seen impossible
through the iris  that knew
No depth spiritual fix.

Someone wake them up

Their love is the source of my curse,
In bended knees they recreated
Yet clung tight life yet to be born.
Modimo ke modisa waka gankitla ke tlhoka sepe that's their anthem,
My now rhythmn.
Someone wake them up.

I hold grave the questions
That are answered grave low.
I am left to the side of the sands.
They no longer have a voice,
Apparently my life is their sound.
Ba nkgogela mo metsing a a didimetseng
Ba lapolosa moya wame.

Even though l waltz through
The glitters of the sun
Ke tlotla moriti wa loso.
Loso legodu la bokamoso,
Moso o fitlhile , tsa ka di ile
Le batsamai, ba didimetse.
Mmusi ke molebeledi,
Ke tadima mogogoro wa tshepo.

Somebody wake them,
Its bittersweet , they went
to sleep with my future.
Maybe it was never mine to have
But neither theirs to keep.
I walked past their then used to be,
Ba didimetse. Azola.
Ba re dibukeng go ngwadilwe
Gore sedikwa ke ntswa pedi gase thata,
Yet this is stone cold, hard core their mess.

O tladitse senwelo sa me ebile se a tshologa. I am here twenty feet
High the ground toasting stars together.
Somebody better wake them up.
Stuck between bones and air space,
Ke batshwari ba dikgaba,
Magakabe a phaphalala le legodimo.
Godimo ke molelwane wa matlhale.
Nkadimeng phala ke letse meropa,
Botlhogoputswa ba eme borwa,
Ba didimetse.
Azola. They are silent.

Gravel Road

I decided to take a walk down the road...gravel road for that matter. I suppose for that specific evening the rawness of the sand spoke to me in languages l could understand.  The sun was just sinking in nicely behind the mountains, cool breeze blowing over and me, my mind in utter silence.  I wanted to take a walk to reflect life silently on the trees, to look at stones and see if maybe they held nothing for me but as usual they just existed bare, no one knows why they exist but l believe they are playing a huge role in the universe.

Three birds flew above my head, l observed them with complete admiration of how liberated they seem, happy and bloosoming with sounds, even though l wondered if they were truly happy or just routinely following their daily purposes of existance. At this moment in time l am drawn to nature, aware of what is around me that even the soil seem to have a certain aroma or maybe l was losing it a bit....nature's dizzy spells. Everything in the universe is positioned in such a way that it fulfills a certain role, completes a bigger picture. Sometimes we overlook the little things that surrounds us which without we will feel crippled,  am not talking about material things.  Imagine how impossible it is to live without water or how freezing to death the universe will be without the sun.  Do you even notice a tree that has been there by your house or on your way to work , it might have taken years and years for it to grow and be what you see today. Through my walk l learned one big thing, everything in life for it to perfectly exist it lives through patience. Nobody owns time, time own us, we play by its rules even though we always have the delusion that we have it all under our control.

I continued to walk, eyes on the road, in an odd way l felt safe even though l was  conscious that if l was to be in danger no one would come to my rescue.
A man came out of nowhere,  well l say out of nowhere because l wasn't aware someone was walking behind me. It startled me a bit. I just heard him say "its beautiful isn't it? " I asked what exactly and he said "everything which you are now the centre piece to, this road you walking on, wind blowing against you, the sky bending over on you, the tree leaves  swinging in all directions, you complete something by walking here." In astonishment l said "oh". Oh because when one takes time to walk alone it automatically says to people you are lonely, stressed and drawn back nobody thinks maybe this person is at their happy place, calm, centred and at peace. Here l am walking with a stranger who sees the reflection of serenity l have just come across. He asks me why l decided to walk here, abandoned road, nobody just walks a gravel road for fun...l look at him for  a minute trying to weigh between the truth and brushing off type of an answer, I opted for honesty. "Well l needed to reflect, take some time out and just be silently at peace with myself" l said. He just smiled and said "remember the greatest prison is not the physical bars that can capture a men in a square metres but its the spiritual prison. Enjoy your walk and be careful,  the world no longer knows what care is". I nodded and watched as he rushed off, weird how random people we meet can basically say things to us we remember for the rest of our lives.

That basically took me home, wisdom though, it just doesn't come easily. I began thinking of how much the thought that without money life can't be all we've dreamed off,  we literally take making money as a priority we eventually end up not living what we dreamed of but rather better than how someone is, buying things that are claimed better than what the other have, at the end they all just create a void, a void that requires to be feed more of those stuff. Our mental prison bars kill us, we become empty vessels covered in riches, more lonely and empty but cause the world no longer knows what care is, nobody cares about that. Lately even people won't ask "how are you?" They just assume if your appear presentable that question is unnecessary.
Time does not wait for you to be rich so you be perfectly placed in the right position, just as you are right now , your state is a correct fitting to a measurement unknown to you. Happiness, love, joy, must not be dependant on anything or anyone besides yourself. You are a force, a centre piece that gives meaning to everything that is within your reach.
The purest gift you can give to yourself is inner peace.  The noises never come to a halt neither does spiritual internal wars one has on a daily yet you owe it to yourself to keep the peace inside alive least you rage out and destroy a perfect universal placement. A stranger can easily understand you than those that are close to you cause they don't know your weakness, they are open minded to what you could be and who you ought to be, all you stand for is inviting to their curiosity. I could have easily told this man to leave me alone but he spoke my language at my level , it felt right to converse with him but again its the fact that his role for this specific evening he played and left, when he was done he wasted no more time but walked away. Note to self : Be brave to walk away when you have fulfilled what you came to do. How the world behaves after you have done your part is not your business. I continued to walk now completely out of calmness, my mind thinking of so many things but specifically this gravel road...its not smooth yet l have been walking as if there were cotton cushions on the ground, why? Many stumble on this kind of a road even a car shakes uncontrollably it can even make your skin itch after a certain distance. Simple answer is because my mind was at peace all things around me that usually appear destructive were no longer a threat, my mental and spiritual protective layers were up.  Internal peace one must fight for, its the only way life will come clearer before you, the only way courage will feel real so you can make fearful decisions that have haunted you all your life. Sometimes in life we think postponing time to take action in solving problems will make the problem to automatically solve itself to our desires but we fooling ourselves,  driving ourselves into unnecessary suffering.  What you keep running away from could possibly be what is good for you, you got to stop and come face to face with it and get it over with.

Some journeys we have to travel them alone even though you must know you are never entirely alone. There will always be someone along the way giving you advices and encouraging you to keep going. I came to a complete stop, looked up the sky and said " l am ready,  whatever it is you need me to do , l will provided l walk behind you". If people saw me now they would think l am insane and probably l had just decided to commit suicide. What came over my heart now was magical...it was content. Yes, l never expect people who have not heart the call that l received to understand the steps l take throughout my life, l am my own person and l walk differently. This gravel road has given me a direction. I turned around and went home. Truly l began this walk unaway l was to discover so much in me that l thought l had been lacking just cause l might have not held the spotlight on me long enough for fear that l might be titled too proud.

It is rare that the things that happen in your life do not build up to something,  everything leads somewhere. Even in your confusion state remember there is a complete picture in the mist of patiently walking.

Harsh reality

Back then, l used to be an impatient person. Too many ideas in my head and l wanted them all to simultaneously take a stage but l soon learned that everything got to have its time. The mere fact that there is a birth date then there is a death date for everyone alive. You can't rush anything to occuring regardless of how against your schedule that is. Patience is the mother of fate, success, karma. I must say the present person l am is thankful of what the past me passed through. Patience is more than just waiting , its also about what you are doing while waiting.  Do you think that if you had got the things you have now three years back you will have had the wisdom to handle them like you are now? We all need to mature to receive certain things , equipped to manage them regardless of their sizes.

How do you bravely face life's challenges? Take a deep breath cause life itself will take you on that practical tour, advices here are besides the point as there are no manuals and no experience is ever the same even if there are zillion living species on this planet, your story remains yours uniquely so. But one thing for sure is you better be glued up about what is it that you want your life to represent? The vision of your ultimate self at the end of seasons.
Our circumstances are all different and everyone has a baggage of some sort on their shoulders. Others deal with their hot spots silently while some cry out for help and pity, nonetheless don't allow your life to be defined by your circumstances. Yes they made you but they are not you. There is more to what you can do than you actually realise. Situations will always make you feel small but that's the time you need to shut down the volume of the world and turn up the voice inside and do right by you, let the world wait.

I looked at how much change freaked me out back then. I was always too careful never to jump out of the circle, l didn't want to do anything that could anger my parents yet it didn't mean they never got angry at me and l learned regardless of your good intenstions at doing something , someone else will perceive it different so do what you believe is right for your life, your future in your present. Change is inevitable,  nothing stays the same. We can't be young forever, neither can we play small forever, it serves no purpose to the world and to ourselves. I wanted to be an actor while at school, they refused l make it a career and the one thing that's sweet that l licked from that decision was the capabilities in myself l discovered from their word "No". Their word "No" forced me to ask myself whatelse can l do, next thing l have a list dropping off the pages of the things l can be. A "No" can be a "Yes" in disguise.  Don't walk away before overturning the stone, from far it always appear immovable.

Some people will feel offended by your success even when you never stopped them from using a chance they had. Some will out of the blue be your wombworms, sucking your achievement out of you, always calling asking for money, pity, lift. Distance yourself from such creation, negativity is a strong, free deodarant that is highly contagious.
Right now there are people that naturally hate you for being the best at being yourself, they can't stand how your honour yourself and love your being. That's where now you begin to value between what's worth your energy and what's not, do not entertain your haters' games and riddles, your league is way beyond.

Your killer can be anyone. We live in times in which your own sibling can sit and plot your death with the world and that's the harsh reality of our times so don't think your life is dependant on the bond you have with someone. We all have witnessed sibling rivalries either in our families or communities. Hate and Jealousy can dilute blood. The ones that always say " l got your back" are the very same people that will stab you in the back, afterall they are in the right position. Literally tolerate them all but trust no one. The one thing in this world that is priceless is trust, genuine trust, so fragile yet so fundamental.

The harsh reality is that reality is unforgettable like the pain someone has put you through, forgiveness cannot even erase the scars. They remain. Many are friends when you are happy but when sad and broken apart real friends appear through the cracks. On a daily basis many people ask for honesty yet they can't handle the truth, its harsh, its mean, its untamed. A bright smile does not mean no harsh tears smash waiting under my eye bags, it means l can keep it down when necessary and let it hail when my world is walled up by my thick skin of life goes on quotes. Some people enjoy dragging their baggages on to your highway but its your highway so be unapologetic about the rules you practice on your way.